Random Thoughts

I think if I couldn't write I would die.

Not so much that if for a time I wasn't allowed to write, I would die. That would be awful, but not impossible. I'd still have writing inside me. I'd still write mentally - I'd still think in writing. But if a terrible accident occurred, like a bullet on the street or a car crash, and destroyed that part of my brain... I think, if I lost my one ability, I would have to die.

For so long, I've identified writing as my skill. Since first grade teachers praised my journals and my parents sent my homework to their friends. What would I do without this skill? It defines me. It's my marketable resource. It's the way I plan on making money. It's all I have.

What if I actually suck at it?

What if these people praised me out of kindness instead of true admiration? What then? I'd feel my entire life has been a lie. True, I'd still have all the pleasure of actually writing stuff, but knowing I'm delusional and crappy would make me feel... upset.

This fear is amplified by my inability to tell whether I'm writing something good or not. I know a work's worth once someone praises it, but before that I look at it and think, "What a load of crap I just put down on this paper. I've disgraced my standing as a writer. I know I could have done better. Look at all this f*cking passive voice. I'm the worst person ever."

 And then someone either says, "This is super great!" or "This could use more work." I absolutely never know which it's going to be. Which is incredibly nerve wracking seeing as I write papers for all my grades and all.

But papers are hard. I won't write papers in the real world. I'll write articles or emails or captions beneath J.Crew t-shirts. And I'll write fiction and poetry on my own time. And that shit probably won't get published anyway. So... there.

Now that I think about it, I'm going to be poor forever. Which means I'll never have kids, since I can't afford them. Which is ok, I guess, since I planned on not getting married. But I did want kids. Badly. Too bad they're so darn expensive. I think I'm starting to understand the mindset of gold diggers. Maybe it's time I started investing in a hot body. Too bad I'll never be able to trick someone into thinking I love them. I'd feel so terrible. I can't imagine how anyone does it. It's like training a puppy and then kicking it away. Except, in this case, the puppy is a sweaty fifty-year-old billionaire. Still, it's a person. You can't do that to a person, whether they're a puppy or a businessman.

Oh, I'm getting tired. Will any of this make sense in the morning? Debatable.

But while I'm on the subject of bodies, let me talk about mine. Mine is at it's prime, whether it looks good or not. I'm at the peak of my youth and it's all downhill from here. It's far from perfect, with many... er... unique qualities. But there must be someone out there who would enjoy it. But whoever they are, they're not picking at peak season. Because I have a feeling I won't have another relationship anytime soon. Or even a fling. Or a crush.

Well, maybe a crush. Our romance is forbidden, even though he doesn't know it exists yet. He's a friend of my good friend Kevin - and Kevin is in super intense like with me. So, despite my inability to like Kevin back, it'd be pretty wankoids for me to go after his friend. And, therefore, I can't even make a move on this guy. Not that he'd be interested anyway - he's waaaay out of my league. Head of a club, super good at a million things... you know the type.

But he's super cute though you guys. I think his wonky teeth attract me more than anything. That, and that he's super nerdy and super cool at the same time. He's absolutely unashamed of his nerddom. Which is pretty much the most attractive thing in the entire world.

But I'm thankful. His unavailability struck me hard, but because of him, I found I can feel again. I can crush on someone again. I can actually feel attraction. And because I can feel attraction to one person means I may eventually feel attraction for another. And maybe next time, he'll like me back.

Not that I particularly "like" like this guy. Just to clear that up. I just find him attractive, ok? Just attractive. Ok.