Men!?!?!

I don't understand men, you guys. I keep puzzling and puzzling but no logic I have applied has made me able to comprehend the mind of the human male. It's really been bothering me. So, naturally, I thought I might pose my question to the interwebs.

First, I thought I'd list my findings. I apologize if they may seem offensive - I'm just stating what I've found. In fact, I hope my comments do sound ignorant, so that someone will angrily correct me and tell me that the world isn't as horrible as I've come to think it is.

1) Men want ladies to look a certain way.
I know it's girls who are supposed to be catty, but I've never heard any of my girl friends talk about a woman's body the way my guy friends do. It's only from males that I've heard things like, "There's a lot of girls wearing leggings who should NOT be wearing leggings," or "Her boobs sure are saggy," or even "She's pretty, but her skin gets ashy in the winter." All of these comments are made about girls who, to me, look perfectly fine, with fine legs, nice boobs and good skin. I can't even imagine what they say about girls who really do have big legs, or saggy boobs, or ashy skin. And I don't know why they think they have a right to say what a girl should or should not be wearing or describe a girl's body with negative language, as if they're some sort of body appraisal service, determining the worth of each woman with a single glance.

And it's not just my friends. When I overhear guys talking about a girl, say in the dining hall or in the library, she's usually getting a breakdown, body part by body part. Different parts of her anatomy are appraised, but I rarely hear a thing about the girl's personality. This could even be extended to catcalls and such on the street. It's like a shouted out appraisal of a woman's body, when no one's asked for it.

I keep hoping that it's by freak chance that I've constantly been coming across guys talking about girls like this. I hope that the guys I've heard/overheard are the only guys who've ever done this.

But that seems unlikely, since only one type of woman's body type is represented on television and in movies - that is, if the character is to at any point date or have some sort of physical romantic encounter onscreen. The only difference I've seen lately is "Mike and Molly," and I feel like that's the exception that proves the rule. Even if there's a bunch of "normal people" being represented, many of the men will be average looking but whatever female is present must be stunning and never the slightest bit ugly or overweight.

Let me share an experience with you. When I was in a Health class in my freshman year, my teacher brought up cellulite. A large amount of the class yelled "EWWWWW" at the description. When one guy pointed out that our culture made us all think cellulite was disgusting, another yelled out "BECAUSE IT IS!!!" These were the same people who talked about how stupid women were for buying diet pills and creams and beauty products. But I tell you, I would have paid anyone anything at that moment to not have a room of a hundred fifty people tell me my body was disgusting. I still cry when I think about that day. And the worst is, that it seems like not only do women have to have their bodies look a certain way, but they also have to come by it naturally. No surgery, no pills, no fixing. You have to be born perfect. Otherwise, stay indoors, because you are disgusting.

2) Men are comparing all women to an ideal.
So, since men still want to have sex with ladies, there must be certain bodies they approve of. Or, to be specific, body parts they approve of. I have yet to find a lady who fits the entire description, but thanks to photoshop, the ideal can be nearly approached (while still allowing people a few trifles to dislike so it's still safe to look down on her.) Here is a list of what you need as a lady to not be disgusting:

• Pretty, nice-smelling hair.
• A forehead that is not too big or too small
• Thin eyebrows
• Large eyes
• A small nose
• Large lips
• White, straight, not-too-big teeth with small gums
• Small ears, flat to the head
• A long, graceful neck - but not too long!
• Small shoulders
• Hairless underarms
• Thin arms and small hands
• Gigantic breasts that do not sag. They point straight ahead and are perfectly round. Also the nipples must be tiny.
• Hard abs, a curved back, and a nipped-in waist. Also the belly button must be an innie.
• A gigantic butt that doesn't sag and that has no cellulite whatsoever
• Fatless hips that are also somehow round
• A tiny hairless vagina
• Thin, sleek legs that still have shape to them. Oh, and no hair on those either
• Tiny feet with no bunions or corns or long toes
• She may not, under any circumstances, be fat in any way
• She may not, under any circumstances, be old
  

One or two preferences may change from guy to guy, but these are basically the choices.
If a girl does not possess one or more of these features, she is deserving of criticism and her faults should be pointed out immediately. Also, her lack of possession of these features is entirely her fault, and if she attains any of these qualities in a manner other than her natural DNA, she is to be criticized because she is therefore not "real" enough.

3. Men upgrade.
It's pretty simple - as a man gets more powerful or attractive, he will have a girl that is closer and closer to the above ideal. No girl can actually attain perfection, but some can come much closer than others, and those are the ones who attract powerful and/or attractive guys. And if at any point a guy becomes more 

powerful or handsome, or if the woman he previously attained no longer has the proximity to perfection she has previously held, a man will leave his previous lover obtain a woman closer to the ideal. I have seen this in popular culture and with people very close to me. Some men don't do this when they grown in beauty or power, I know. But the fact that they are anomalies bothers me very much. I have not seen the same trend in beautiful/powerful women.


So...
Does this mean that if a man pursues you, it's because he thinks you are the best he's going to get at the moment? According to evolution, I guess this would make sense, but all this conflicts with observation number four...

4. Men fall in love.
I've heard of this too many times for it not to be true. Otherwise, where would all these love songs come from? I'd even go so far as to say as I've seen men in love. I've seen them look at a girl with such tenderness it would break your heart.

So...
HOW THE FUCK CAN THIS WORK?!? Is it that sometimes a man doesn't realize a certain woman not perfect until the buzz of romance has worn off? Is it that once the buzz has worn off, he's realized he cares about her as a person and can "forgive" the imperfections he has just found? (Until the imperfections grow in number, that is.)

If this is true, how will those of us who are very obviously imperfect ever receive love? Why do we straight women want that love so badly? (That's a question for another day.) I look in the mirror and I am basically the antithesis of two thirds of the things on that list, and that number will only grow with time and age. What am I supposed to do? I already walk down the street imagining all the nasty things the guys I pass must be thinking about my body. Does this also mean that, unless I can find a way to disguise my imperfections, I am destined to be unloved? Am I really what they say I am - disgusting?

Please, someone tell me this is not true. Someone tell me that I've grossly misjudged the male kind and that they love women for who they are and for their uniqueness, not their conformity to an imitation of an imitation. Someone chew me apart and tell me I'm stupid to say such things and that my observations are completely false. Please. Please. Someone. Please.