Loneliness

Oh, blog. There's so little to do when you don't have anyone to talk to. Aside from roaming the city, trying to look like I have a place to go, I haven't been able to do anything of value with my time here. Granted, it's only been two days, but if I want to become The Me I'm Meant To Be while in New York, I feel like I have to get cracking and get myself out there!

But I digress. I did have a pretty nice meeting with a boy who went to my high school. He was a year older, but he took a year off before college (a wise choice) and is now a theatre major in the Tish school. Which is pretty amazing. I was intimidated by how mature he was. He could go on and on about his favorite plays and playwrights. I did a lot of hemming and hawing to make it seem like I was familiar with his theatrical favorites. He seemed so driven, so focused. He knew what he wanted to be and how to get there. His schedule was filled with activities that immerse him in what he loves the most. And I, I'm just floating along. As I always have been. Grabbing at whatever seems most promising without a real goal in mind. Can one ever become great this way? Or am I destined to stumble through life without meaning, without eventual finality and accomplishment? I'm not sure. But I know that I have to make SOMETHING of my life, if only to ensure that my final moments will be spent with a smile on my face, remembering all the great things I've done and contributions I've made to the world at large, instead of with the bitter tears of a life that could have been useful but was not.

Anyway, back to my day. It was mostly spent inside my cell-like room, shifting positions only when I became too stiff and uncomfortable to remain as I was. My roommate breezed in and out, reminding me of what I wish I was - a real New Yorker with real New York things to do. But instead I sat inside and watched Adventure Time and Hawaii Five-0.

Finally around 7:00 I became fed up with my room and bundled up to go out. The streets are so different at night, the inky night air shot through with zaps of light from colorful signs down the street and pools of soft luminescence from streetlights above. You're never truly in the dark in New York. There's always a light only a few steps away.

I couldn't get myself to go into any of the shops today. I always feel like I'm imposing, especially if I'm not planning on buying anything. The shopkeepers look up so hopeful, assessing your buying ability with their eyes. Poor things. I wonder if they can tell how poor I am just by looking at me. I swear the man at the restaurant today knew I was going to order the cheapest thing on the menu. I could almost hear him sigh when I told him, "Water is fine, thank you." Tonight I trotted along with my Vanity Fair under my arm, completely intending to stop somewhere for dinner (my ill timing resulted in the dining halls being closed before I even left my room tonight.) However, every time I locked eyes with someone inside a pub or cafe, I kept moving on. For all my wishing I had friends, I was shy about becoming a part, even a footnote, in another New Yorker's life. Well, tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will not spend part of the night reading an article on Julian Assange by the light of a streetlamp in Washington Square Park. Tomorrow will be different because tomorrow I have orientation. Tomorrow, I will talk to people. Tomorrow, I will make friends.